On Motherhood-an end of year letter to my friends.
To my oldest friends,
I love you, you are amazing, and I cherish every moment (more or less) that we have spent together, and all of the adventures that we have been on. We have had so much fun that one day, when my child understands what I am waffling on at him about, I hope he feels proud of all we have seen, and achieved, and I hope that he wishes to see the world for himself.
But. About that thing you want to go and do? Yeah that? I don’t want to.
I’ve grown up.
I’ve grown up. And that’s a scary thing to imagine. I never thought that it would happen. That something would be more important than getting ready, travelling here, there and everywhere, and seeing that band, watching that movie, and being in that place.
My child is.
Being a mother changed me in unimaginable ways. I’m in bed by nine pm most evenings-as sleep is vitally important for me to function without being evil the next day.
I now eat three meals a day, and whilst they might not always be as balanced as I like, I take pride in a cooked dinner that I put down in front of the ungrateful toddler every day.
Wine is now imbibed by the glass, and not by the bottle as hangovers install a fear that only other mothers can appreciate.
And yes, I am happy with my existence.
This doesn’t mean though, that I do not want you to go on these adventures, I do. I love hearing about the plans you are making, the places you are going to go and see, the dates you have been on. Your world is expanding in a way that is different from mine and that is very much ok. All paths are different, and as long as you are happy, then I am happy with you. Not for you.
I do not consider my path to be better than the one that you are on. It is just different now, and I love how when we can get together, I can temporarily let my hair down like I used to and laugh with you.
I appreciate how you come into my new world and do not judge openly, how my home is now cluttered with toys, that spice rarely features in the meals that I make, and I love the love you have for the new, most important person in my life.
To my new Friends. The one I have met since becoming a mother. I thank you.
Thank you for the encouragement, the support, the love, and hand holding and the advice.
This new world is scary at times and unknown to me. None of us, I am told, are born mothers and we learn it as we go. I’m winging it with the best of them.
Thank you for sharing your adventures with me. I love being a part of the journey you are taking too.
I wonder what you would have thought of the person I was before I was a Mother. When a glass of wine translated as a bottle, when a day off involved an all day bath, with wine and a stack of books.
It might be the most natural thing to do-to give life to another person, but being able to put that tiny persons needs before your own, doesn’t always feel natural. And sometimes it does mean sacrifices.
I love how you can listen to me rattle on about the concerts that I am not going to, the movies that I am waiting to see once they get to Netflix, and my excitement that my old friends are still keeping up the pace and letting me know of their experiences.
You all, old and new, help me to have a balance in my life. To keep the doors open when the walls start to cave in, to help me remember that it is OK to be strong enough to break.
Going forward into this new year, I ask one thing of you:
Do not make resolutions to change. I love you as you are.