The end of Summer is a nervous time for anyone whose mental health is temperamental. Even aside from those with Seasonal Affective Disorder, people (like little me) with chronic depression often experience a downturn at this time of year. Every Autumn, without fail, the days darken in a literal and proverbial sense. If I’m not careful, a downturn becomes a whirlpool; the cocktail stick foundation I’ve built falls and topples my brain into raw, unfiltered shit.
A dark period for me means an inability to be productive, and a reduced capacity to care about the consequences of that. The apathy alternates with a profound sense of failure and shame, so you bounce between feeling nothing and feeling worthless. Jolly stuff, eh?
So I now begin a ritual of running, meditating, supplementing, light therapy and rigid social planning in a holistic attempt to offset going bananas. If you tighten enough cocktail sticks together with gaffer tape they’ll hold strong enough.
There’s one problem though – I’ve nothing to offer you here.
I have approximately 500 words to fill, but my creative brain is occupied with thinking about how much more creative I should be. My political brain is occupied with thinking my opinions aren’t wise enough; my feminist brain is occupied with thinking I’m a terrible feminist because I still like Taylor Swift. Don’t even get me started on the ‘boys and feelings’ brain – it’s fucked.
As I’m sure you can tell, currently only my pretentious brain is winning anything. Everything else is stuck in a self-critical loop from which nothing good or interesting will come. If you’ve got this far, honestly, I’m impressed or you must be my mother (love you).
Now that I’ve been self-indulgent I can say this: if you’re feeling the same way, feel free to message me for a chat. I promise I won’t judge you for your feelings, your inertia or your taste in Pop Princesses. If we can get ahead of ourselves a little bit, learn our own patterns of behaviour, we can plan ahead to keep ourselves going in the cold, dark months.