This Week – A Funny Look Back At The Last 7 Days

Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time out to read this first edition of my review of the week. I’ll try to cover the big news from the previous week with a comedic (I hope) spin. If you do enjoy it then please do tell your friends or give it a share. Hope you enjoy!

Glastonbury

Glastonbury took place over the weekend with the festival culminating in a set from Ed Sheeran on Sunday evening. The flame-haired singer wasn’t headlining because he was one of the festival’s biggest names, rather it was the only time that he could perform that avoided the sweltering sunshine. Nobody wants to see Ed having to smother himself in factor 50 following each song. Or maybe they would. Each to their own.

One of the big talking points from Glastonbury was the appearance of Jeremy Corbyn who introduced rap duo Run The Jewels. Corbyn gave an impassioned speech where he stated the importance of unity, a need to reduce poverty and being for the many, not the few. All thought provoking stuff but it can be hard to take someone seriously when in the crowd someone is holding a flag up that reads ‘Gary Lineker shags crisps’. Despite this, the audience lapped it up. Although, it was always going to be an easy sell for Corbyn, what with him probably being the only sober person in about a four mile radius. Corbyn looked at ease talking to an audience of people who were either intoxicated or under the influence. Although it’s not too surprising that he looked so at home with this type of audience – he’s had plenty of practice when speaking in parliament. The obvious difference with the Glastonbury audience and the people in parliament is that at Glastonbury, urine can often rain down on people after being hurled across the crowd. Instead in parliament, with our ever ageing MPs, it is more likely to be collecting around your ankles as waves of incontinence seep through the benches.

There were a number of people who found it unfair that Jeremy Corbyn had this opportunity to give a speech at Glastonbury. However, in a bid to appear impartial, the BBC tried to arrange for Theresa May to introduce Stormzy but she kept true to form and failed to show up. She had asked to walk out to ‘WickedSkengMan4’ as she felt the lyrics of “But if you talk shit man, I’ll par you, look at the size of my fist, I will spark you” would send a direct warning to Jeremy Corbyn.

Politics

The big political news this week was that the Conservatives have come to an agreement with the DUP which gives Theresa May a working majority. It is hoped by the Conservative government that if Theresa May is seen next to DUP leader Arlene Foster frequently enough then she will start to be viewed as ‘the nice one’. It is a technique used by the Gallagher brothers with Noel often being seen as ‘less of a nob’.

But this coalition of chaos is not off to the best of starts with Theresa May sending a letter thanking the DUP and Arlene Foster however this letter was immediately destroyed as it was taken as ‘as a sign of homosexuality’.

The DUP celebrated this agreement in their usual fashion – by sacrificing a goat and burning a witch at the stake whilst Westlife’s greatest hits played eerily in the background.

In other political news, there has been a cyber-attack on parliament with around 90 email accounts with weak passwords being hacked. Sources say it took less than five minutes for hackers to work out that Theresa May’s password was ‘death2theNHS’. Interestingly, the DUP were not hacked as part of the cyber-attack as they still insist on using homing pigeon as their chosen method of communication.

Sport

There was controversy in formula 1 as Sebastian Vettel was accused of swerving into Lewis Hamilton in the Azerbaijan Grand Prix which Eddie Jordan chose to compare to football and said that it would be an ‘instant red card’. To be fair to Eddie, if a footballer drove a 700kg car into an opposition player then you would hope that he would be sent off or at least a stern talking to and told not to do it again.

In other sporting news, the entire Russian football squad from the 2014 football World Cup are to be investigated for performance-enhancing drugs. Clearly, they didn’t take enough as they failed to make it out of the group stages in this tournament. They are, after all, performance-enhancing drugs not performance-providing drugs.

Serena Williams, showing a notable baby bump, has appeared on the front cover of Vanity Fair magazine. She has decided to pull out of Wimbledon due to being quite a bit pregnant and also because organisers say she would have to compete in the doubles competition. 

ACTUAL FAECAL BACTERIA FOUND IN DRINKS AT 3 MAJOR COFFEE SHOPS

Dealing with little shits are expected on any visit to a UK coffee shop but this problem may be bigger than previously thought. A BBC watchdog report has found that ‘concerning’ levels of faecal bacteria were present in iced drinks at Caffe Nero, Costa and Starbucks. It is slightly worrying that they used the word ‘concerning’ which suggests that there is an acceptable level of faecal bacteria to be present in your beverage. This report probably won’t stop people from going to these coffee shops but I for one will not be asking for chocolate sprinkles anymore.

 

 

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