This Week – A Funny Look Back At The Last 7 Days

US Politics

Since I wrote my last 7 day review, Steve Bannon has left the White House. Bannon was famous for two things – one was being linked with white supremacy and the other was looking like the human embodiment of a verruca. As such if he wore a KKK uniform, he would have effectively just made his very own verruca sock. Bannon is to now return to Breitbart, the far-right news and commentary website. Bannon will be walking back through those doors at Breitbart whilst, I imagine, The Imperial March plays in the background. Trump now has the void left by Steve Bannon and the void left by the newly disbanded manufacturing council. This has strangely brought him closer than ever to his kids as he now understands their teenage struggle to find someone to fill the void left by their absent father. Trump has actually appointed a new communications director in Hope Hicks which is a name so suited for Cockney rhyming slang that it puts James Blunt and Brad Pitt to shame. 

UK Politics

There has been talk recently about improving railways in the UK with ex-chancellor George Osbourne urging Theresa May to invest in high-speed rail lines that would go from Liverpool to Hull. However, critics claim that for many in Hull a life outside the iron curtain has always remained an unachievable fantasy (the northern adaptation of the American Dream) but this high-speed rail line may provide a possible way out. A mass exodus from Hull may be a catalyst for the destruction of the famous northern gravy economy which is hoped to be our biggest export post-brexit. And if people start to realise that escape is an option in these sort of places then what’s to stop similar mass exoduses in Blackburn and Slough?

Jeremy Hunt (cockney rhyming slang with this name is totally accurate) has been getting into arguments with none other than Professor Stephen Hawking this week. It’s like he thought how could I possibly become more hated in this country and then decided to get into an argument with a national hero who also happens to be one of the most intelligent people in the world. I want Hunt to come out and get into arguments with more national heroes – can you imagine if he got into a heated exchange about the gradual privatisation of the NHS with Fred from First Dates. And if you say Fred from First Dates isn’t a national hero then I don’t know what sort of hate-filled person you are. Every time Hawking puts Hunt in his place, you will have to wait hours for Hunt (and probably his team of people) to come back with his responses but Hunt, true to form, seems unphased by the prolonged waiting times and claims it is just part of living in the modern world.

Theresa May has said that she plans to fight the next general election in 2022 and that she is ‘not a quitter’. She seems to be around for the long term despite seeming to have lost all faith from the Conservative Party, it is the political version of what is happening at Arsenal with Arsene Wenger. But even someone as transfer unsavvy as Arsene Wenger recognises that spending £1 billion on the DUP to keep yourself in power is not a good piece of business and not ideal for the people you are trying to represent. It is quite unlikely that Theresa May will be fighting in the general election in 2022, what is more likely will happen is that she will be one of those contestants on Strictly where the public, almost in unison, go ‘ohhhhhh I remember her’. Although watching her unintentionally doing the robot each week may make good viewing. 

UK News

There has been a lot going on around the world this week with awful flooding’s taking place in both the US and India while North Korea is threatening further action but we have our own problems in the UK as well you know. I am of course talking about The Great British Bake Off moving to Channel 4! This was sacrilege for middle-aged women up and down the country as in recent years Mel and Sue have slowly overtaken Anton Du Beke and Gary Barlow as their deity. Maybe it’s unfair to label bake off as being solely for middle-aged women when it has been celebrated as fun for all the family. But this is the sort of family that goes on camping holidays in Cornwall despite a considerable family income. The sort of family that try to grow its own vegetables in their garden which leaves potatoes tasting like dirt and green beans tasting like potatoes. The sort of family that puts Grand Designs on series link.

Sport

It was transfer deadline day this week in football. If bake off is for middle-aged women then transfer deadline day is for middle-aged men and the only soggy bottom on this day comes from sitting in the same chair for hours on end. Chelsea, all in all, had a disappointing window and deadline day. On deadline day they were linked with Mahrez, Oxlade-Chamberlain and Ross Barkley but ended up just signing Davide Zappacosta. Their deadline day was a bit like when you go into a shop and end up spending so much time in there that you feel like you just have to buy something and so end up buying a pen for the sake of it. Except that pen cost £23 million and only saw the light of day when all your other pens were out injured.

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