This Week – A Funny Look Back At The Last 7 Days

Quite an apocalyptic week this time around which is probably one of the worst words describe a week. But not to worry we still have next week to look forward to, or do we? Queue dramatic music…

US Politics

Donald Trump was off on his holidays this week but was very rudely interrupted by the threat of nuclear war. It’s the phone call that we all dread, you’re lying by the pool, finally getting round to reading ‘Nothing But the Truth’ by Vicky Pattison and then the phone rings to tell you that North Korea are planning on firing a big angry rocket at Guam. Donald Trump has responded by threatening North Korea with ‘fire and fury’ which incidentally is what he calls his left and right biceps. It says a lot about the threat we think these two leaders offer when the reaction to this has been mostly making jokes at their expense. It’s a bit like listening to an angry toddler – they’re getting all wound up and saying how they’re going to run away from home when in reality you know that in 15 minutes they’ll be back to running round the house with their trousers round their ankles. I think that’s what the world will do to Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un (hopefully minus the running round naked part). Let them have their little temper tantrum and before you know it Donald will be back to banning groups from the military and Kim will be back performing as a Michael McIntyre tribute act or whatever he does in his spare time.

The idea of nuclear war may be a scary one but I don’t know why Donald Trump isn’t looking on the bright side. If nuclear war descended then he could finally give up on repealing and replacing Obamacare which has got to be seen as a massive plus point. So on one side you have Donald Trump and for every war-mongering nobhead with dodgy hair, you have an equal and opposite war-mongering nobhead with dodgy hair. Kim Jong Un, who really puts the war into phwoarrrrrrr, may have the physique and fun-loving attitude of a darts player but let’s hope he doesn’t have the aim of one too.

Sport

The Premier League returns this weekend which also sees the return of fantasy football. Millions of people across the world will be trying to tackle the tough questions like can John Walters now cut it at Burnley following his move from Stoke, maybe the industrious town will compliment his industrious attitude or maybe he’ll miss the big city lights of Stoke-on-Trent. Or will Antonio Rudiger settle in nicely in the defence at Chelsea following moving away from Roma as he could no longer stand the racism. Although moving to Chelsea to avoid racism would be a bit like if Wayne Bridge moved house closer to Ryan Giggs to stop John Terry sleeping with his wife. Next comes the tough decision of naming your team. You can spend hours thinking of the most witty name but it inevitably will come down to a decision between making an awful pun on a footballers name like ‘Guns N Moses’ or just making it as crude as possible like ‘Jimmy Saville’s under 11s’.

Usain Bolt lost to Justin Gatlin in the 100m at the World Championships in London. Gatlin has been banned twice for doping offences but insists he is now clean, so I suppose that’s ok then. Athletics has a serious problem. In each race you can’t be sure who’s clean and who isn’t, a sentiment also used by Trump to create division during his presidential campaign.

UK Politics

It is being reported that the UKs Brexit negotiations are not off to the best of starts as it is still quite unclear what Britain will look like post-brexit. Brexit keeps being described as a divorce but in this scenario it seems that the EU is the partner that knows exactly what their life will be following the divorce – they’ve managed to keep the house and won custody of the kids – while the UK is the partner who is trying to delay the divorce as they don’t know what uncertain world they are stepping into. The Sunday Telegraph have reported that, to settle the divorce bill, UK negotiators are prepared to pay up to £36 billion. This works out at about 3 million euros with the predicted exchange rate so quite reasonable really. The former head of the diplomatic service, Sir Simon Francis, has said that UK has been ‘a bit absent’ from the negotiations. This is unsurprising really when you consider that both Theresa May and international trade secretary, Liam Fox, are both on holiday, they seem to be adopting the ‘let’s go to the Winchester, have a pint, and wait for this to all blow over’ mode of philosophy.

In more light hearted political news, David Cameron has been seen swimming in water that had a raw sewage contamination warning but to be fair to him that sign was only put up when he got into the water.

And finally, Theresa May is to get a waxwork made at Madame Tussauds, I imagine it’ll be a great challenge for the sculptors to  make sure she doesn’t look like one of the weeping angels from Doctor Who. Sculptors normally have to make the waxworks look very nearly human-like which is something the Conservative Party have been struggling to do with Theresa May for years. 

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