My review of the last 7 days for you. If you enjoy then please share, like, retweet or just do nothing – the choice is yours really.
It’s been an eventful week for Trump in which he took time out from his hectic schedule to tweet an old wrestling video that showed him punching someone who has the CNN logo edited on their head. This really happened. Apart from the obvious questions this raises about the man’s sanity, it really is a massive step forward for silver surfers. Rumours are he doesn’t even hold the camera on his laptop right next to his face when he’s skyping Putin.
Also this week, a White House source has told the Sunday Times that ‘there is a window of opportunity for the President to visit Britain when he is in Europe later this month’. This is likely to be a sneak visit and possibly no more than ‘24 hours notice will be given’, although a sneak visit will always be difficult for a man that glows in the dark. A night time visit will have to be ruled out because if Trump walks across the runway, his unearthly glow may confuse incoming planes. We can also be fairly certain that he won’t landing at Birmingham Airport after Fox News (the only source of news that isn’t fake news) reported that Birmingham is 100% Muslim.
Trump has also decided to revive the American National Space Council, presumably so that he can begin constructing the Death Star which has been on his agenda for a while now. And like the Death Star in Star Wars, it will be filled with men in white uniform but this time the uniform will include a white pointy hat that covers the face. This weapon will be paid for the taxpayers money (thereby ensuring that he doesn’t have to pay for it) and will be used to target all those who have wronged him such as Hillary Clinton, the fake news media and the bloke who sharpied his face orange 20 years ago.
Theresa May has told the country we ‘must live within our means’, this comes just a week after her party agreed a £1 billion deal with the DUP. She has also dropped her pledge on a vote to repeal the fox hunting ban, this is because I imagine that following her dismal election campaign she can now understand what it is like to be hounded by a group of posh people looking for blood.
Theresa May has also said to BBC news that ‘I will not be timid’ at the G20 summit, although this was said as she hid behind Amber Rudd whilst holding her hand.
The conservative MP Jacob Rees-Mogg and his wife have had a baby boy, this poor baby not only has to have Jacob Rees-Mogg as a father but also has to go through life with the name of Sixtus Dominic Boniface Christopher Rees-Mogg. It is a name so posh that if you close your eyes and say it three times in front of a bathroom mirror, an aga will appear magically behind you. If you don’t know who Jacob Rees-Mogg is then just picture what Harry Potter would look like if he went to Eton and instead of having Lord Voldemort as an arch enemy, he has the poor.
Wimbledon started this week which means a number of things: tennis courts up and down the country will become massively popular, the sale of strawberries and cream will go through the roof and Judy Murray is probably releasing a new book. Andy Murray will be looking to retain his title from last year and such a feat may even see him upgrade a slight upturning of the mouth from last year to a full blown grin. Although retaining the Wimbledon title won’t be the hardest job at Wimbledon, this accolade goes to the umpires for the wheelchair tennis who have to deal with the extra tramlines on the court.
In football news, John Terry has signed for Aston Villa as he has run out of people to racially abuse in London. He was recorded in the last couple of days singing his initiation song ‘stand by me’ which is something Chelsea have had to do numerous times during his scandal filled career.
There is a growing concern about the Americanisation of the youth of Britain and it appears that this trend is going to continue with latest figures showing that there are over 300 children in England and Wales in possession of firearm licences. Like their American counterparts, these kids insist that they need their firearms for protection and a local child said ‘if some local deviant comes after my fidget spinner then I need a way to protect myself’. All kids that were interviewed made very clear that they are responsible gun owners and keep their gun in a safe and secure location – under their pillow. Although this scares the living daylight out of the tooth fairy.
Richard Hammond has told Sky News that he now has one leg shorter than the other following his most recent crash which will now make it even harder for him to reach the brake pedal. Hammond may now be permanently leaning to one side which unfortunately would mean having to give up his other passion of motorcycles as he would just continually be going round in circles. This accident was bad news for ‘The Grand Tour’ fans as now half of the shows budget is needed to cover Hammond’s insurance.