This Week – A Funny Look Back At The Last 7 Days

US News

Donald Trump has said that he ‘may have no choice but to totally destroy North Korea’. The war of words continues between the two leaders, they are clearly remembering what their mothers taught them that the pen is mightier than the sword. Unfortunately, the pen is not mightier than a nuclear bomb. This battle between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un has got the feeling of the build up to a big boxing match. The two sides are making outrageous claims about what will happen on the big day while the rest of us will have to pay an additional fee on our regular TV subscription to watch the coverage unfold. I’ve got a feeling that when this is all over, it will turn out they were friends after all and rest of us will feel cheated out of our money. I may still be bitter over the Mayweather McGregor fight.

The Emmys took place this week. The Handmaid’s Tale was the big winner of the night as they took home five Emmys. Five, incidentally, is also the number of times Trump has had to suppress handmaids tale’s during his career. The Emmys were very political this year, as you might imagine and many did take a swipe at Donald Trump. Trump was not happy with this blasphemy and tweeted to say that the Emmys had the worst ratings ever. This tweet came a few hours after threatening North Korea with total destruction which might make you think he’s not really thinking through his ‘North Korea goes bye bye’ plan. It’s worrying to think that he prioritises Alec Baldwin making a little joke about him and threatening a country with total destruction to the same extent. This tweet was actually also a lie, unsurprisingly. But it does further emphasise how obsessed he is with ratings. No wonder he hasn’t been able to actually implement his campaign promises when you consider that whenever he signs an executive order, there’s only about 15 people watching him in his office. With those sort of ratings, what’s the point?

UK News

Piers Morgan was not a happy bunny this week. Piers was at the GQ Men of the Year Awards, a place where he is in a state of perpetual arousement, and was talking to Arsenal’s right back Hector Bellerin and Jeremy Corbyn. Quite an odd meeting of different minds and also one of the more difficult games of snog, marry, avoid. Piers wasn’t happy that Jeremy Corbyn started to talk Spanish to Hector Bellerin (who is Spanish) because he said it shut him out of the conversation. I thought Piers would be use to being shut out of conversations as people have been using logic and compassion to do this for years.

Wayne Rooney has pleaded guilty to drink driving and has now been ordered to do 100 hours of unpaid work. Rooney has, however, denied reports saying that these 100 hours will be fulfilled by playing Shrek in the upcoming pantomime season.

UK Politics

Theresa May is in Canada meeting with the Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in a tragic attempt to make Trump jealous. She just can’t seem to let the man go, she’s one step short of drunk calling him at 3am trying to boast about how great her life is going. But not even Trump would buy that. May has said that she expects a ‘seamless’ Canada trade deal which I think just further emphasises how poorly we are handling Brexit – we can’t even afford seams from Canada.

Reports suggest that Boris Johnson may resign if Theresa May pursues a ‘Swiss-style’ Brexit. Apparently a Swiss-style Brexit means permanently paying for access to the single market and apparently is not a more exciting theme for a round on The Great British Bake Off. What if we don’t want a Swiss-style Brexit. What if we want a Cornish-style Brexit in that we long for complete independence and when that fails, we are all just left crying into a pasty. What if we want a Welsh-style Brexit where our economy is reliant on livestock and the successes of Gareth Bale and Duffy overseas and are left speaking a language that is becoming increasingly irrelevant in a modern world. It’s no wonder why the British public are left in the dark about Brexit when they use this sort of language to describe it. To make it more accessible, it should be described as an Amazon Prime style Brexit in that you would have to continually pay membership even though you’re not overly sure you need it and your nan is still left wondering why the youngsters waste money on such things.

Vince Cable has returned to power and has said that he can lead the Liberal Democrats to victory. The problem I have with Vince Cable is that every time I see a quote from him I tend to read in quite a sinister way. This is because he looks like if Lord Voldemort decided to reign in the whole evil persona and instead pursued a career in accountancy. And for that reason I cannot and will not trust him.

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