This Week – A Funny Look Back At The Last 7 Days

This week saw some truly awful natural disasters with Hurricane Irma and Mexico experiencing a devastating earthquake while America still reels from the effects of Hurricane Harvey. Describing these hurricanes as natural disasters is becoming increasingly dubious. The effects of climate change are becoming obvious for all to see. Of course these hurricanes might not be the effect of climate change but like when your nan farts at the Christmas dinner table, everyone’s pretty sure who the culprit is…

US News

The US has urged the UN to take ‘the strongest possible measures’ against North Korea with Trump suggesting a country-wide suspension of play on the back 9 and twitter should only be used in absolute emergencies or big events such as North Korea’s Got Talent. North Korea’s Got Talent is much like Britain’s Got Talent with the key difference being that if all four red buzzers go off, all nuclear missiles are fired off. The US calling for action against North Korea follows yet another nuclear test. North Korea seem to be having a lot of practice runs, at some point Kim just needs to start believing in himself and just go for it. He’ll never truly know if he’s prepared enough, he just needs to get up one morning and think ‘you know what today’s a good day, I’ve had my Weetabix, the sun is shining and I’m feeling good, let’s fire them bad boys off’. To be fair I think I would be short of confidence as well if my parents had given me a girl’s name. We all have a talent in life and this could be Kim’s thing, he could be really good at nuclear war.

UK Politics

Nick Clegg has said the government have ‘wasted a year’ on Brexit but to be fair to the Conservative Party, time was of the essence for any gap year plans while free movement is still possible. The UK is ready to ‘intensify’ Brexit talks. Luckily, the UK is very good at intensifying, after all we turned the standard baking competition concept into an edge-of-your-seat prime time extravaganza where heroes and villains are created in equal measure. In order to intensify these talks, I would like to propose a simple vote-off scenario. The Brexit talks are shown live on TV each week and then the public votes to evict the contestant, sorry I mean politician, who they think has performed the weakest. It’s unsurprising really that the UK has called for more intense talks as they are currently held only one week a month! It really is a wonder why the British public are left ill-informed about Brexit Britain when Brexit Secretary David Davies has enough time on his hands to single-handedly visit each UK household and give a 10 minute PowerPoint presentation on Britain’s prospects.

Jacob Rees-Mogg has said this week that he is completely against abortion under any circumstance. A man of his Victorian look and belief’s is somehow thinking of anyway that he can stop the Rees-Mogg name from dying out. This has caused quite the stir about the man who has built up quite the cult following and some have been left surprised by his controversial views. Obviously it is very surprising that an upper class white man has quite restrictive views on abortion which he claims to be the teachings of the bible. In reality it is pretty clear why he feels this way – from the way he dresses to the arrogance in his voice to his old-fashioned views and to the fact he actually called his son ‘Sixtus’ – it is pretty evident that he just likes feeling superior.

Nigel Farage is to address a group of well-mannered and understanding people in Germany. No, only joking, he will be addressing a far-right group. This comes only a couple of weeks where he sent out that tweet urging every young person to go and watch Dunkirk. Everyone thought that this was because it showed an accurate reflection of what our soldiers had been through. Maybe what Farage saw was a ruthless attack on a group of poor misunderstood Germans.

In other political news, Gerry Adams has said that he is looking to stand down as leader of Sinn Féin. This follows the recent success for the DUP who were able to negotiate a £1 billion deal for Northern Ireland. This increase in money brought by the DUP will no doubt increase their popularity in Northern Ireland with Sinn Féin’s popularity likely to decrease. This again shows Gerry Adams’ remarkable ability to run away from incidents right before they blow up in his face.

UK News

There is to be another royal baby. Yes the queen is expecting another child at the ripe old age of 91. People say how can she raise a child at that age but I imagine her team of people will be just as involved as they have been for her other children. Royal baby news is great news for some people in the country, especially to the people who make commemorative plate and mugs who have been struggling for money since the last royal baby came along.

A gang in Manchester have been jailed after it being discovered that they hid heroin in dog treats and washing powder. This was rumoured to be discovered after a family in Manchester sat down to their usual Sunday Roast and it having the same effect as the time they drove through Moss Side with the windows down.

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