Top 10 Things That Will Definitely Happen in 2018

  1. Greggs has a rebranding

Over the years, Greggs has tried to become more and more upmarket with introduction of salads and insisting that staff-members wear gloves during busier hours, being indicative of this new business direction. But 2018 is when the bosses at the nations favourite bakery made the natural next progression to this re-branding. In a bid to attract the inner-city worker, they are now to be called ‘Gregory’s’. Sausage rolls are now to contain up to 50% sausage and will now use pigs for the meat rather than taking advantage of the ‘no questions asked policy’ they currently have with local door-to-door salesmen. But the biggest change concerns the staff who are now to be called ‘pastry artists’ and will be forced to wear their gloves at all times, while hand-washing is to be ‘compulsory after defecation and recommended after urination’.

  1. The Celebrity Apprentice comes to the UK

Now this one could actually happen. In Lord Sugar’s attempts for world domination he has astutely noticed that simply being involved with ‘The Apprentice’ is not enough, he must now follow in Trump’s footsteps and be the lead man in ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’. And following threatening to leak some potentially damaging information about Margaret, the BBC finally answered his prayers. One of the highlights was in week 2 where David Davies quite literally fails to negotiate his way out of a paper bag. Lord Sugar later launches his own political party based on straight-talking, entrepreneurialism and outdated technology. One of his more controversial pledges is to ensure that all business is to be carried out in east end market stalls by the year 2024.

  1. Britain starts the British Union

Politicians running out of ideas about what to do after Brexit decide to let the people decide. Through the use of ‘focus groups’ (A conservative phrase that roughly translates to ‘talking to poor people’) the Conservative Party quickly became aware that almost unanimously the 50-90 age bracket that voted Brexit say the phrase ‘we ruled the world for hundreds of years, why can’t we do it again?’. So being the silver surfer that Theresa May is, she rebooted her old AOL email then tried for almost an hour to remember her password and when that failed she proceeded to fax every member of the commonwealth where she asked very politely if they would be interested in joining the new British Union. The key feature of this union is that all members will be listened to, but the final decision comes down to Britain who act as the Len Goodman for all decision-making. To Theresa May’s relief she had some replies and the British Union founding members include, and are completely limited to, Mozambique, Lesotho and Grenada. Australia were refused entry when they turned down the opportunity to relinquish the ashes. With this union, Britain gets excellent deals on coffee beans, bananas and a vast range of citrus fruits. While in return, Britain sends decorated shoe-boxes full of a selection of scones, mini sausage rolls and Asda own-brand Jaffa Cakes. Lesotho pull out of this agreement in late November after getting fed up of the sausage rolls tasting a bit ‘leathery’. Then following a legal dispute Gregory’s are obliged to print ‘may contain leather extracts’ on all packaging.

  1. Final season of Game of Thrones

Haven’t watched it since season 2. Found it boring. People get angry at me for saying that. They judge me. They say how it includes everything a TV series needs – conflict, power struggles, romance, comedy, cliff-hangers etc. But so does Love Island and that doesn’t have a bloody dragon flying round.

  1. Palestine recognises Mexico City as the capital of the United States

Those Palestinian jokers thought they would get their revenge on Donald Trump’s recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Donald Trump later says in an interview that the joke doesn’t even make sense because Mexico is a country not a city.

  1. Dwayne Johnson appears in all reboots of films that you liked as a child

After the success of ‘Jumanji’, achieving ratings of very near to 5/10 (approval ratings Donald Trump can only dream of), Dwayne Johnson will continue his takeover of cinema. In the works for 2018, he is set to appear as Harry Potter, Gandalf and also rather surprisingly as Sleeping Beauty. Appearing alongside Dwayne Johnson will of course be Kevin Hart. This partnership seems to be a big hit with cinema audiences with jokes about their size difference never seeming to get old. And of course ‘The Rock’ will continue to star in the ‘Fast and Furious’ films but unfortunately they are really running out of ideas now. The latest instalment of the ‘Fast and Furious’ franchise will involve Dwayne Johnson trying desperately to get his Nissan Micra to pass the MOT while Vin Diesel is of course fighting some Russian bloke on a rooftop. Kevin Hart plays the guy who refuses to pass the Nissan Micra.

  1. Simon Cowell buys the rights to The Great British Bake Off

It means another change of channel for the Bake Off which will now be shown on Saturday evenings on ITV1. With Dermot O’Leary as host and Ant and Dec hosting the after show, Cowell believes he has the recipe for success. Head Judge Louis Walsh has moved effortlessly into the role using his unerring ability to spot talent from the very outset. In the first week he tells the eventual winner that ‘he has star quality’. The eventual winner turns out to be Liam, 21, who is a student at the University of Bolton who has always had trouble fitting in but used his love of baking to make friends. Liam really stepped out from the shadows at judges houses where he baked a Victoria Sponge for Louis Walsh and Nicole Scherzinger.

  1. Donald Trump says something controversial

Not much more to expand on this one. He’ll say something awful, his staff will try to justify it, he will apologise and then repeat his original point in a later interview.

  1. Nigel Farage wins strictly

After his initial refusal to do any of the ‘foreign’ dances, he swiftly realised that dancing along to Chas and Dave’s ‘Snooker Loopy’ each week was quickly getting him a reputation as a one-trick pony. But then week 4 came along and following a conversation with fellow contestant Gino D’acampo he realised that maybe he had the foreigners wrong and Gino wasn’t in fact a ‘Spaghetti twizzling enemy of the commonwealth’ (as was leaked to the ever-gracious Daily Star). It was at this point he also realised that Gino D’acampo and Bruno Tonioli are entirely different people. And on that week 4 night the nation was shocked as he delivered a near faultless cha-cha-cha to the tune of ‘God Save the Queen’ – the nation was especially drawn to Farage when he mentioned the sentimental value of this song as it was the song that was played for his first dance at his wedding. As the weeks went on the dangerously right-leaning politician was brought closer and closer to the centre – this was both in a political sense and a literal sense as he finally managed to fix those posture problems that plagued his early performances. The nation continued to warm to this bad boy turned good story and Farage stormed into the final. Gale Platt from Coronation Street was the strong favourite but Nigel had an ace up his sleeve. And on that famous night in Blackpool, Nigel gave the perfect performance to Led Zeppelin’s ‘Immigrant Song’ which Craig Revel-Horwood described simply as ‘life-changing’. Nigel is crowned champion later that night as Gale Platt stormed off screaming about a fix. The new Nigel Farage then gifts his winnings to a refugee charity and rebrands UKIP as NEWKIP (Nigel’s ever-welcoming kind international party).

  1. England win the world cup

I for one cannot wait for the inevitable – England winning the World Cup in Russia and ending 52 years of hurt. England have of course done the polite and right thing and let other countries have a go in the major tournaments but now it’s time for Kane, Rashford and co to lead us to glory. Donald Trump is actually set to ring the Scottish and Welsh national football teams for information about how they so effectively quit any involvement with Russia. Suspicions about Russian state-sponsored doping surface when reports emerge that they are in fact running to and from each game. But the real story from the tournament comes as Harry Kane scores a total of 15 goals on our way to victory while England manager Gareth Southgate overtakes Paul Gascoigne as England’s most famous son. People line the streets as England rejoice in their achievement. Sadly, this euphoria is short-lived as Vladimir Putin throws a strop as Russia fail to make it out of the group stage and therefore decides to start World War 3. Swings and roundabouts I suppose.

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