So ’tis the season for frolicking in the snow, mulled wine in front of the fire and ice skating hand in hand. Question. How is one supposed to do that when one hasn’t frolicked for nearly two months, doesn’t drink and has no significant or even insignificant other to hold ones hand?
Second question. How does one write a festive sex blog when not only is there no sex to speak of but one literally cannot be arsed with any of it anymore? Yes that’s right the title of this blog does not relate to banging in the snow it is merely a seasonal pun on my current romantic situation.
The current male options that I could potentially ‘have’ are obsessed with sex. They can’t wait to exclaim that they are gagging for it. I met a tall dark stranger on my way to yoga the other week who gave me his number and things looked promising until after about forty-five minutes the texts had become entirely about sex. What would I describe as good sex? What to me is bad sex? Did I want a shag? Honestly it’s turning me off. There’s nothing quite like desperation to have you running for your onesie. Also if you have recently had sex I recommend that you do not casually slip that fact into conversation with someone who may potentially end up in your bed. It’s not a turn on and is encouraging me down the path of full on spinster-hood.
Seriously if I could get a cat I would.
I mean what’s the point? I’m so over it all. Yeah I’m sure that somewhere there exists a tall, black, vegan, sober, faithful man but I’m dammed if I can find him. Honestly he’s just gonna have to find me cause my life is full. I’m busy. So busy that although I claim to want a full time monogamous relationship I can’t help but wonder if I actually have time for one. One of the many illogical reasons for my continued relapse situation with my most recent ex was because he was around mid-week like me, had a hectic other life like me and couldn’t really commit either like me. Granted that was partly due to the fact he was sleeping with half of London but being an actor while juggling a day job and a on again off again partner is very similar to cheating.
What’s a girl to do?
Although I’ve been sober now for nineteen months and yes it is feeling much more normal I’m still not super keen to go down the pub and meet people. There’s only so many tonic waters you can drink before everyone around you turns into a total nightmare. True story. I know I’m over it now as I don’t really mind anymore. I don’t feel sad that I don’t have a partner this Christmas. I don’t feel obliged to continue flirting with someone who is clearly looking for something that I’m not. Next. I’m not looking back with nostalgia at past relationships and wishing they would have worked out differently or that I am back there again. I’m not even horny.
Is this just another part of moving on yet again from my ex? Probably.
Am I tempted to go back there again? Not as much as I was…
Is snow sex satisfying with the right cup of tea, two scripts to learn and Netflix on the laptop? Definitely.
Janna Fox is an actress, writer, yogi, aerialist in training and creator of many things. She started blogging for The New Establishment in February 2017 and her pieces are published every other Wednesday. Janna also contributes to sex blog Hitting the Spot. For more information please visit www.jannafox.com