Until recently I would not post anything on social media that did not highlight my positive achievements or actions toward them. I told myself I did this for my brand but really what is a brand? Honestly, I am not sure; I know I want to inspire the type of people who do not fall into a perfect little box. Is that a brand? Or was I just trying to fake myself into believing I wasn’t overweight. Were all of my posts to fake myself into believing that I did not feel like an outcast because I did not have a flat stomach.
Online Lisa was doing well, she was popular, funny, attractive and she was getting results, even if the real life Lisa was not. However, real life Lisa could not live up to online Lisa. I wouldn’t see old friends, because they would see that I had put weight back on. I stopped wanting to go to the gym because I felt that people would look at me like I was a fraud.
I feared my online alto ego, she had over shadowed my real life.
I felt alone and scared, it started to affect my eating habits, my social life, my ability to function in the real world. This did not happen overnight, it was something that came on gradually, I did not even realise it was happening until it was too late, until it had taken root.
Then something happened in the media. These perfect women, the ones us fitness journey girls live up too, they started showing their rolls and bulges. I came across a post by Fitness Model Anna Victoria who took side by side photos of her looking toned then letting it all hang out. I felt like I could breathe a little deeper.
It was only at that point that I realised I had created my own Mr Hyde. I needed to squash that bitch and there was only one way to do that, face the fear of imperfection.
I got out my camera and posted a video on Instagram. An image of me looking considerably overweight in comparisons to all my other post, doing a workout. I watched it back many times before I posted it. I wanted to cut out the part where my belly wobbled but that would be letting my Mr Hyde win. So, I posted it! Guess what? Nothing bad happened, people responded in a positive way. Because it was my truth, it was me. We are not perfect, there is no such thing as perfection.
I am determined to post the good, the bad and the ugly.
The only advice I can offer is be careful about creating an online personality you cannot live up to. Be true to yourself and remember our online personalities do affect our off-line well-being and perception of ourselves.