‘A party…for the LOLZ and the bants….’-Georgie Morrell.
I nearly didn’t write this blog. I nearly didn’t write it because of Saturday’s attack in central London. I like many others was obviously very shocked and moved, so on Sunday I did not write this blog as I intended. It felt inappropriate to write a satirical piece regarding the upcoming general election and me becoming Prime Minister when so many had tragically lost their lives. Just to clarify, the essence of this blog is a joke that spiralled over social media amongst my pals and peers. Cut a long story short, for those who don’t follow me on Twitter, when Theresa May announced the snap election my tweet and FB status read-‘My time has come…#GeorgieforPM.’
This was a throwaway joke poking fun at our Prime Minister who had promised there would be no election, went against her word and has put the country through an election they don’t really need or want. I provided humour by placing myself, an undesirable and unqualified candidate to run, and then came up with stupid shit I would do. I agree, not funny when you have to explain it but got some clever FB comments and Twitter attention. It was essentially a bit of banter to ridicule an annoying situation. It went so far in fact that my pal Rosemary Rance did a campaign poster for me (see below). Then Sarah ‘Bradders’ Bradnum (fellow writer and other half of Queens of the Hungle) offered to be my Chief Whip…with a real whip. But hey, what are friends for if not to join your fake political party and take on obscure positions of power!
However, I felt my attempt at satire was misplaced regarding the tragedy that has been the London and Manchester attacks. By Monday morning though my London carried on and showed no sign of cheap sentimentality. Londoners were more worried about late buses and the queue in Pret! Rightly so! The one at London Bridge is always packed first thing! This reminded me that democracy must continue, just as London has and so should making fun of it our political system too. More importantly, if we wallow, or worse sensationalise these attack with further press, we are giving those warped individuals with their perverted ideology the attention they want.
I’m afraid this is now how Morrell rolls. What better way to say fuck you to the terrorist than to do what we Brits do best, make fun of shit and be proud to do so.
‘Georgie means Georgie.’ -Georgie Morrell.
However, I must first lay out a few of Georgie Morrell’s Party Manifesto. Those of you who don’t know I am running for leader of a party that knows one wanted, asked for or even nominated. It is called the Bringing Sexy Back Party Party. What do we believe in? Theresa may be ‘Strong and Stable’, Corbyn is ‘For the many, not the few’ but George Morrell believes in ‘Putting sexy back into politics.’ Someone’s got too!
- First, and most important policy of all, at least eight cabinet members must either be or resemble David Gandy. If you don’t know who he is (you fucking should) please follow this link and thank me later. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfgoiYu9EUE. This will improve not only the party imagine, #obvs, but boost the work morale in local communities. *
- My chief whip will be Hun and all round legend ‘Sarah Bradder’ Bradnum. Not sure who she is? Follow this link and thank me later. https://soundcloud.com/user-33667106/12-bosswomen. She will be my cabinet whip and she will have a real whip. #beafraid
- When my party members agree with me during what will be a smashing PMQ’s each week, instead of jeers I would like them all to shimmy. That’s right. Shimmy.
- I will not wear a skirt for fear of not being taken seriously. Thank you Daily fucking Mail.
- I will eradicate by any means necessary the Daily Mail. Need I explain?!
- David Cameron has to be my bitch for the week. I think that speaks for itself. #beafraidCameron.
- Tony Blair must not attend Remembrance Sunday at the Cenotaph EVER! Can’t believe he is still invited let alone RSVPs to it!
- Make anyone who hasn’t worked a minimum wage job has to work in one. Take it from me, cocktail waitressing in Soho for £6.50 will make a man of you!
- Make all politicians who are responsible for our NHS work in an NHS hospital for a minimum of one week. And if they’re still shortsighted wankers by the end of that week, they stay on until they learn their lessons!
- Equally, enforce anyone who agrees with benefits cuts to live off them for a month AND go through the process of applying for them. Good luck bitches.
- All cabinet members must complete the obstacle course of doom before being appointed positions within the party. The David Gandy look alikes will do this topless. #obvs.
- I promise never to send some one else in my place when it definitely should be me at the debate. #tvdebate #maythenoshow
- I will interview all David Gandy look alike candidates. #obvs
- I would like a throne and two large cats either side of it in the House of Commons AND at 10 Downing Street! I deserve a throne! I’m a pretty princess!
- Fill Downing Street with stray kittens!!!!
- The public must stop wearing underwear! BE FREE!!!
- Get rid of those Tesco adverts. Cauliflower steak my arse!! #noonecares.
- Hand dryers can go. Never liked them.
- On Tuesdays I must be referred to by EVERYONE as Captain Georgie!
- Death to all who disobey me!!!
I think you get my point. Know one wanted this election, no member of the public protested for it because quite frankly we were still stomaching Trump, Brexit and 99 other problems and an election wasn’t one. I, therefore, went to classic Georgie default and took the piss out the situation in a way of highlighting how ridiculous it is. We are essentially witnessing a Prime Minister, that we didn’t vote for, by the way, throw her weight about because she wants more ‘pals’ in the cabinet! Spare me!
However, jokes aside, if any good comes of this election is that it will highlight the vast amount of damage the Tories will do and hopefully turn a few heads who plan on voting for them. Allow me to illustrate this with a conversation I had two weeks ago. I got a real shock the other week whilst a dinner with some old pals. A good friend, a good person, in fact, claimed to be voting Tory. I wasn’t thrilled by this but have to remember people exist outside my lovely, liberal London bubble so let him explain his actions whilst trying not to vomit. He said he will vote Tory on the basis they will keep him rich. I could have cried and vomited simultaneously. Instead, I listed the following Conservative policy that would screw up good and proper.
- Disability Benefits will be cut using the change of from DLA to PIP. Myself and many other will lose our entitlement and for want of better expression, be completely fucked.
- My generation will not get on the housing market as house prices continue to soar, social housing is not invested in and to add insult, no rent cap is in place so will still pay whatever landlord fancies.
- Not just DLA but Employment and support will be cut further and assessments to get it will become even more insulting and invasive.
- GOODBYE NHS!!! They will sell it off bit by bit!
- GOODBYE POLICE! They’ve already hacked away at our police number as well as reducing their pay, so why not just get rid of them all!!!
- AND GOODBYE EDUCATION! Our schools will continue to be under funded and future generations will be thick little wankers!
His response was-’Oh I didn’t realise that but that won’t affect ME anyway.’
Won’t it? How can you be so sure?! You think you won’t ever need the NHS, comprehensive education or a policeman?!!!! I was tearing my hair out at this point. Now, that he meant was that as long as he had money he wouldn’t need these things. His money would pay for his health care, children’s education and all the other crap he pisses his money away on. Know one can afford to be this naive. It’s a real shame his money couldn’t buy him some fucking sense!
The reason I know this friend of mine is wrong and he will need the state is that I thought like that once. My whole family did. I was a privileged suburban middle-class white girl who;s disability and yet to take gold. We had money and thought we alway would but then the recession hit and fucked us. I never thought I would be reliant on the state for my basic living costs and our NHS to see and walk but I am utterly dependent on them. That is the crux of this election. The rich got us in debt and so cuts are being made but they will not take responsibility for it because the areas being cut are things they think they don’t. They are the rich and we, everyone else in between, will have our lives completely changed for the worse to pay for it. He is so lacking in empathy it makes me sick. So sure it may not affect you yet but it might the people you love and care about and it certainly will your children and future generations. FACT.
I really wish I never hesitated on my writing of this but sadly though, as the weeks have proceeded and I have watched May and Corbyn tear chunks out each other, Abbott take ‘ill’ and two terrorist atrocities halt our democracy, it was suddenly hard to find the funny in it all. However, this only lasted a day and am pleased to say nothing should stop good banter let alone taking the piss out of politics!
I will, however, end this had to end this on a serious note. The truth is under a Conservative government the social fabric of this great country will not be invested in and chances out we’ll hit another recession. Be prepared for tough times and don’t hesitate like I did even for a day and try to find the funny if for no other reason than to help you get through it all.
So when you vote today, look at all the names of the MP’s, consider them all…then cross them out and write my name on it with a little tick next to it! You’re so welcome!
‘Georgie Morrell…A Party that will finally bring sexy back.’-Georgie Morrell
- George has nothing to prove this will improve local communities work ethic.
Georgie is touring her stand up show A Poke in the Eye. She is taking two shows up to Edinburgh and all gig, previews and details can be found here. http://georgiemorrell.co.uk
Follow her on twitter @georgiepokeeye
Listen to ehr podcast @hunglequeens.