Next Week’s News

When this article is published I’m going to be on holiday, so I’m going to have to guess next week’s current affairs in order to write something relevant and interesting. I’m optimistic for my rate of accuracy considering how worldly and experienced I am at stuff.

 

SHOCK WIMBLEDON FINALE AS KATE & WILLS FACE OFF AGAINST DREAM TEAM SIR IAN MCKELLEN AND DAME MAGGIE SMITH.

As it turns out, they weren’t just there to watch. After Andy Murray’s shocking knockout on Wednesday British hopes are resting on the unexpected doubles match this Sunday, pitting national treasures against monarchy in the grudge match of the decade. I can’t help feeling this is an attempt by the royals to gain favour with young tennis fans, however the Queen’s promise to abdicate if they lose is creating just the right level of hype and tension. The finalists of Love Island are set to take the Windsor’s place at the top of the aristocracy once they’re done with daytime television appearances.

 

BEYONCÉ’S TWINS GIVEN $2 BILLION RECORD DEAL BY DEF JAM RECORDS.

Their debut album Not Womb Enough for The Both of Us is set for release in early 2018, with critics anticipating an eclectic mix of R&B, classic rap and barnyard sounds. Expectations from fans and the industry are pretty high, so I can’t help but be concerned for their mental health at such a young age.

 

CONTROVERSY AS TRUMP ANNOUNCES 8-WEEK GOLF HIATUS AND LEAVES IVANKA IN CHARGE OF NUCLEAR CODES.

Just as you may recruit your neighbour to watch the cat while you’re downing shots in Malaga, Trump has charged his daughter to keep an eye on the American people while he and the Meeseeks attempt to take two strokes off his golf game. Though I’m confident in Ivanka’s ability to charm North Korea with designer handbags, the question of whether she can handle Alec Baldwin’s impression of her is yet to be seen. Ivanka’s twitter activity between 11pm and 4am is relatively low, so she’ll need to stay focused and keep an eye out for any uppity journalists asking what the actual fuck she’s doing in the White House.

 

BREXIT MEANS BREXIDUS.

Theresa May’s much anticipated plan for Brexit has been announced, and it seems our £1 billion Prime Minister is taking influence from upon-high. Reportedly inspiration struck when Mrs May heard the ethereal voice of Thatcher coming from a spontaneously flaming dustbin on Downing Street. After announcing a culling of all first-born sons in the Greater London area, Mrs May plans to part the channel with the psychic influence of Sally Morgan and have Boris lead all European nationals to Calais (where they can be ignored with all the refugee children we refused to help). Once the economy tanks, Tory-boy Gary Barlow will personally reboot it with the money he saved not paying taxes.

 

TONY BLAIR TO RECEIVE PRESTIGIOUS ‘WAR-MONGERING MOUND OF SHITE’ AWARD AT EU SUMMIT.

In recognition for his role in destabilising the Middle East and clearing the way for our new best friends, Islamic State, Tony Blair is to be presented with a specially curated award for services to people being slaughtered for no fucking reason. Mr Blair will unfortunately be unable to attend the ceremony as he is occupied with his private advisory services to regimes with human rights abuse records. Oh how I wish that last part were a joke.

 

JEREMY CORBYN’S CAT PULLS A SHADOW OF DOUBT OVER LABOUR VICTORY AFTER LINKS TO IRA REVEALED.

The Labour Party is in disarray after a women whose Irish great-Uncle once made a joke about his farts being ‘more explosive than anything the IRA came up with’ was seen petting Jeremy Corbyn’s cat in Islington. The Prime Minister made a statement, saying ‘I don’t see how Jeremy can deny this blatant link to terrorism when all I’ve done is endanger the Good Friday agreement with my lust for power and fancy trousers. Any subsequent disquiet in Northern Ireland is definitely his fault and nothing to do with me’.

 

AIDAN TURNER ANNOUNCES ENGAGEMENT TO WENDY HAINES, 25, A YOUNG WRITER FROM LONDON.

The Poldark star and Ms Haines are set to marry in September, just as soon as they actually meet and Mr Turner realises what he’s been missing.

 

I MADE BOLOGNESE.

My friend Sophie said I should write about Bolognese, so as it was her birthday I will. I made a Bolognese sauce yesterday which was particularly good. I also discovered that you can shell broad beans to remove the bitter skin, which is great, but on top of that underneath the skin they have little nodules that look like tiny bean-peens. I was amused.

 

Thanks for reading – it’s my birthday.

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