Once upon a time my mother said to me ‘Janna you do everything loudly!’
Well. I have to admit that this is true. I am naturally loud at all things. I’m a performer, an actress, an artist and a vocal one. I have a philosophy when hurting myself that the more noise I make the less said injury will hurt so I scream at a papercut. When I get excited or scared the same principal applies and instead of being stunned into silence I’m much more likely to squeal; ask my aerial class. I even fart loud. So it only makes sense that I would be loud in bed. And that I am.
Ah sex. We all love a good shag (don’t we?). And as a vocal person it only makes sense that some of us like to show our appreciation.
Me and my on and off occasional ex have received a large amount of attention across London in our various abodes over the last five years for just that. We’ve overheard loud complaints as neighbours stomp out the building midday, mid-shag-(not caring to turn it down because what’s the point? They’re going out!) We’ve had hand written notes from three different neighbours in three different houses asking us to politely keep it down. Now this I can totally understand. If you are sleeping or having a nice sandwich and all you can hear is my orgasmic moaning it’s probably a bit inconvenient, doesn’t make me stop, but I get it.
What I don’t get is the resentment it creates. I mean if all I could hear was someone else having loud sex it’s more likely going to turn me on and encourage a bit of self love than anything else. Or I would simply turn the music up and laugh. But it doesn’t offend me to hear other people having sex.
However it has come to my attention that lots of people, men and women alike, are not only silent in bed but they detest the other person making noise. I’ve been to bed with them and they do not like me! People can be positively offended by the sound some people make in bed, not only that but they feel it is put on, utterly unnecessary and fake.
A male friend of mine tends to lean on the side of the bruised male ego exclaiming that ‘I’d rather they just say I was crap than fake’. To which my response is how do you know they’re faking? For all you know the poor girl could be having her most intense sexual experience to date and all you can do is cry wolf. This sounds like more of an insecurity issue than anything else but then in turn the other persons silence could also be inhibiting to the loud person they are having sex with and vice versa.
Then again a female friend of mine has gone so far as to say that women who are loud in bed are ‘performative’ and that ‘it’s total societal grooming that makes some women act like they’re in porn’. OK, good point. Porn does promote loud sex. It’s full of it. Is this why everyone thinks women that make noise are faking? Because we see it in porn and know it’s not real and therefore assume that when other women make these noises they too are performing for the ‘camera’. If that’s the case then which came first the genuine orgasm or the pornographic egg?
So let’s break it down. Are all loud sex noises fake? Obviously I can only answer from my own experience and my answer is a big fat NO. This is so interesting to me because I really wouldn’t make noise in bed if I couldn’t help it and don’t always actually. It’s not as good but… Honestly. Why would I regularly incur the wrath of various strangers I live in close proximity to voluntarily? It doesn’t make sense. Not only have I learned that different orgasms promote different noise but if I try to stop it can actually reduce my pleasure and I have tried to stop. When everywhere you look people are criticising the less inhibited moaning of good old fashioned raunch it does make you, well me, a little bit paranoid. However I’ve tried to no avail. So, sorry neighbours that just ain’t happening.
So am I just having better sex than everyone else? Possibly. Are the people that are complaining bitter because they’ve never had that intense an orgasm? No comment. Do different people simply express things differently?
An actress friend of mine I was having this conversation with said that her partner commented she got louder when she went to Drama School. Very interesting and this actually makes sense to me. When we train as actors we become more connected with our bodies and our voices. We take movement and voice classes every day developing techniques that enable us to support our voices allowing us to naturally project and connect to a simulated emotion finding truth in other peoples’ words. We practice the marriage of movement and sound. It therefore makes sense that for some people inclined to theatrical lifestyle at their moment of letting go, that glorious release would be coupled with an outburst of vocal cacophony. But that is not to say that all actors are loud in bed.
What about the point about societal grooming? Do I just moan in bed because I’ve watched other women in Porno’s doing just that? Well, I have watched a lot of porn BUT no. I did it before porn and I’ll do it after, sometimes I do it during. But it stands to reason that some women could be mimicking what they see online I mean we all try to do what we think is acceptable, sexy or popular at some point in our lives. Is it performative? Yes, sometimes, probably to a certain extent but what’s wrong with that? If you are a performer or simply like to perform there’s no reason why using your talent can’t enhance you and your partners sexual experience. Why not?
Live and let bang.
Another thing that is worth a mention here is that sometimes the type of sex you’re having may encourage a bit more noise. If you like it rough for example or are inclined to taking huge amounts of drugs before you have sex you are much, much more likely to be less inhibited, completely let go and scream your fucking head off.
Another thing it is worth mentioning here is that I rarely (never) hear people having a go about men moaning during sex. It seems to be a critique served up solely to the ladies. Why I wonder? Are women simply louder than men? In every single example? I’ve heard men moan too. I don’t complain about other people making noise, double standards and all that, but it is not unheard of to hear a man having a good moan. Yet again all the nasty negativity seems to be focused on women, not only that it seems to come from women. Is this merely another faction of girl on girl crime? Are some women frustrated by the logic that if they suppress their own release of pleasure everyone else should? Is it intimidating somehow to hear another woman having sex, tribal maybe? Is this yet another form of instinctive competition in the evolutionary race?
Sex like anything changes over time. Surely it is natural that we all go through some sort of sexual progression similar to age or rites of passage in other areas of our lives. I wasn’t always loud and haven’t been with everyone. When I was younger or less comfortable with myself or the person I was having sex with, possibly even a little embarrassed of my body and it’s reactions and functions I definitely didn’t come as hard or as loud. When I reached a new level of maturity and comfort with my on/off five year non partner my reaction to sex changed too. Sex can seem so solitary so perfunctory until you actually start giving a fuck about what the other person feels, sees or is experiencing themselves. Practice makes perfect after all.
It’s possible that the people who look down on us loud sexers may reach a point at some time in their lives when they all of a sudden feel the need to scream along their orgasm. It’s also equally possible that one day I will simply shut up.
I mean I may need to stop having sex in order to do it but anything’s possible…
Janna Fox is an actress, writer, yogi, aerialist in training and creator of many things. She started blogging for The New Establishment in February 2017 and her pieces are published every other Wednesday. Janna also contributes to sex blog Hitting the Spot. For more information please visit www.jannafox.com