General Election – Everything you need to know and who to vote for.

Let us address the big issue first, the elephant in the room, the thing that everyone is thinking. When Theresa May announced her snap election, why did she not say thank you? Or end her speech? She just walked off. I mean I was not expecting a ‘Peace out sisters’ drop the mic moment but she just got to the end of a sentence and left. It’s been suggested that it was so she did not get questions, really? The person who wants to run the country ran away scared of Journalists, well she’s got my vote. I can see she will be strong in peace negotiations (i’m fed up with calling them Brexit negotiations by the time Boris has been around Europe I have no doubt they will be peace negotiations)

She says that this will give her stronger negotiating tactics with Europe, will it? Going back on your word about a snap election will show Europe that you can’t be trusted, good strong position that, well done. One other thing that she said which was weird was “The country is coming together, but Westminster is not.” Well this is a real 2 parter but I will keep it short, 1 The people are coming together? What TV are you watching. Do you have some Tory tinted glasses that you want to share around? And part 2 is my favourite, Westminster is not coming together. You are not supposed to come together? Are you kidding me? You are forced together in a loveless marriage, you are lucky to cum at all. Jesus wept, what do you think this is. Has our political system really got to the point where one party can’t understand why the other party are arguing with them?

So despite her ‘No snap election’ past, Teresa May stood outside number 10, looking a little bit like a vampire that was trying to detox (might explain the moody exit, as she went to drink from her vegan blood supply) saying “Now it is in the interests of the British public.” Don’t get me wrong I do not claim to be intelligent but from what I can work out Northern Ireland don’t have a proper government at the moment, they are currently trying to throw a party in a power cut the last thing they need is an election (Read more here – Irish Times) and the SNP have been asking for independence vote which now if they keep or add to their numbers it will be evidence that the Scottish public also want it (Read more here – The New Statesman). What’s best for Britain seems to be what’s better for England and Theresa May but let’s not forget the main reason that we have the issue of Brexit was because of the selfish little posh boys Cameron and Johnson doing what was best for them.

I’m not going to talk Brexit I’ve done that and I’m bored of it. Spoke about it before (Here)

 

So what are the choices?

 

Labour – Jeremy Corbyn.

Apparently he was one of the last to react publicly because they had to coax him out from underneath the bed. I don’t think the man could be more of a sitting duck if he dressed as a duck and sat on a duck. Will he fight for power the same way he fought for Brexit (or against Brexit i’m still not sure what his position was) I honestly don’t think he would even beat Teresa May in a real fight if she were wearing blindfold. The press hate him, so even from his weak position he can’t get a proper break and to be fair his party are probably trying to work out how many leadership challenges they can mount in six weeks. Labour politicians were even openly saying ‘to press’ that they can’t wait to lose to get rid of Corbyn (Whats best for the country and the people hey guys).

Chances of winning – In six weeks they couldn’t win if they invented a time machine and took each voter back to 1996 to cast their vote while singing things can only get better.

Song – Don’t look back in anger by a really bad Oasis cover band (They don’t deserve the original)

 

Liberal Democrats – Tim Farron.

It’s like watching someone throw a stick for a dog, Tim Farron (the dog) is looking at Teresa May (stick thrower) as if to say “Is that for me?” (The stick is the British people).

Tim is one of those politicians that can’t be asked a question without relating it back to how hard he works. “Tim what do you think about Brexit?”, “Well when I was out on the streets talking to the people, because that’s what I do all the time” (next time you watch and interview you will notice it) Although he also looks like if you are in his constituency you could wake up with him sat beside you watching. It is true that the Liberal Democrats are the only people that seem to represent nearly 50% of people that voted to stay in Europe, but they also were the only ones against tuition fees and we remember how that went.

Chances of winning – It is like they have entered the game 10 nil down and the they will see losing 15,1 as a win. They will declare the huge loss as a win.

Song – Things can only get better by D Ream (Without Brian Cox and without the spirit of original)

 

SNP – Nicola Sturgeon

I honestly think that the SNP should start putting candidates in England, Nicola Sturgeon seems like the only politician that is remotely likable. No one has ever made me want to be Scottish more, other than maybe Mel Gibson but i was young and impressionable then. I think they have already started putting chainsaws on the border getting ready to cut themselves free.

Chances of winning – They know the lottery numbers before they are drawn.

Song – I would walk 500 miles by just one of the Proclaimers (just to show that an impossible split is doable)

UKIP – Some bloke that will be replaced by Farage within two weeks.

The man whose entire family were killed in the battle of Hastings or whatever lie he feels will get him sympathy today. The man that the day after the attack on Westminster bridge made sure he was there, making sure he was seen because PR is more important than respect.

UKIP show the power of entertainment and our media age, they have got to where they are because newspaper after TV station after webpage have given them coverage and Mr Nigel Fa’ke’rage has spat lies, half truths and nutty old man talk to get more and more PR. I read yesterday that this election will be the end of UKIP, never underestimate hate.

Chances of winning – They could win Kent (that will form its own country Farage leader of Kent-world (is that how you spell it?)

Song – Englishman in New York by A UKIP member that wants publicity

(This represents where Farage actually wants to be with his mate Trump)

 

Others – The protest vote? Green Party and others.

Vote Donald Trump? I don’t know enough about the other parties that might be involved but our first past the post election system does not really work for the smaller parties. What the smaller parties need is a leader that has no real political solutions but drinks beer and has sound bites for the media to use as click bait.

Chances of winning – Same chances of me winning the Champions league on my own.

Song – Do they know it’s Brexit (Christmas) (Parody) – All of the politicians.

I hope that has helped you choose. I’m going to vote for the party that does not make personal attacks on other parties and members, does not run a negative campaign, does’s not put ‘facts’ on a bus, does not lie and who does not think that ‘The needs of the people’ is something that they can put on their expenses.

If I find such a party I will let you know.

In all honesty I might just switch my TV off for the next six weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About Luke Graves 19 Articles
I stand and tell jokes, I sit and write.

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